When You Assume......

Someone said that to me the other day. You know, the stupid old saying "When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me." I replied to him, "I'm already aware that I'm an ass, so you're really the only one with anything to lose in this scenario."

Overnight Blues

I am currently in hour 6 of my 12 hour overnight shift. While the rest of you are either sleeping away in your cozy beds, watching late night informercials (Pick up the phone...), making love to your significant other, or just man-handling the meat stick, I am sitting here trying to figure out how I will remain awake for the second half of this marathon. You see, had this been a normal night I would have little trouble keeping the eyelids open. However, to truly understand my pain you have to understand that my shifts have been in flux for the past few days. Here's a re-cap:
Friday and Saturday I enjoyed overnight shifts (from 7pm to 7am), Sunday I had off (but don't think for a second that I actually had an opportunity to sleep when I got home. Instead I had to prepare for...) Monday I worked a day shift (from 7 am to 7pm) leading me to tonight, once again an overnight (7pm to 7am in case you forgot already). Maybe tomorrow I can catch a bit of a nap, because I get to sleep in on Thursday (I don't report to work until 8:30 am).
This sleep depriving schedule from hell caused me to to start thinking about what the worst jobs (in my opinion) might possibly be. I have come up with a top five, which I will list and explain here (in reverse order of course):

5. Cab Driver - If you have read my "Safest Method Of Travel" blog you'll understand why I feel that they have the most dangerous job in the world. But aside from that, how disgusting are cabs? I mean come on!!! I have had (as I'm sure we all have) the unpleasant experience of riding in a cab that really allowed my imagination to take flight and question what was actually transported before me. I couldn't imagine actually having to be face to face with it (or rearview mirror to face at least). However, according to late night tv, cabs could also be full of drunk, nubile women who love to show of their woman parts - so I guess this job is just a crapshoot.

4. Plumber - Ok, sure they seem to make a decent amount of money (considering how much they frickin' charge every time they stick a washer into a tap), but what other profession has inspired such a fashion trend? The plumbers crack is universally known, and that is usually the first thing that comes to mind whenever that job is mentioned. Besides that, who wants to make a living playing around in human excrement? Maybe just sewer workers (tied for 4 with plumber), or really disturbed fetishists(is this a real word?). However, the flip side of the coin is that (if adult entertainment is to be believed) hot women routinely call plumbers just to seduce them and force them into threesomes with their hot roomates. However, that's only if the pizza guy didn't get there first.

3. Male Nurse - You're a male, and you're a nurse. Enough said.

2. Seaman - Imagine telling someone what you do..."Hi, I'm Steve. What's that? Oh, I'm a Seaman. No no, not semen, seaman. Why are you laughing at me? Grow up, I mean I'm a sailor! Why's that even funnier?" This could go on and on.

1. Tele-worker - I use the term worker to blanket the entire telecommunications world. From telemarketer to collections agent to customer service representative to phone sex operator...it all stinks. Trust me, I speak from experience. I have done it all. Well, almost all. But let me say, there's a good reason why these places are always hiring. If they did suicide stats on tele-representatives I'm sure they would be pretty high. On the flip side, you tend to get a pretty spiffy cubicle to work in (but not personalize, lest the relief personnel who shares your desk get upset).

Have you got a really crappy job? Let me know. I would love to display your horrific work stories right here on this site that no one reads! Which I guess makes writing this blog a pretty crappy job too.

Election

Well, it's election day in Canada. If you are anything like me, then you probably don't have a great idea as to who you will be voting for. I am not really all that enamoured with any of the candidates. Although there are stands I agree with in this election, they come from the spectrum of parties. Plus, the real question is, how many of these campaign promises are actually going to be kept? My guess would be not too many. Oh well. I plan to leave my voting decision up to the last minute. Too bad the Natural Law Party doesn't exist anymore. Sure, I wouldn't vote for them either, but the sight of them bouncing around in the lotus position on their television commercials is something I will never forget. Happy voting folks!!!

Two In One Day?

I know, I know. I go on a hiatus for a few years, then all the sudden plunk down two blogs in one night. But I felt compelled to write as for some unexplainable reason I was thinking a little bit about that William Hung guy. Remember him? That weird oriental kid who sang really crappily on American Idol, then performed the national anthem for a few sporting events, and even released a CD? It sort of saddens me that people can turn this guy into some sort of cult hero for just being a horrible singer who was completely oblivious to how bad he actually was. Let's be honest here people, nobody goes on American Idol assuming they suck. Look at that gag spinoff show, American Superstar (I think that's what it was called) on the WB. All of those contestants were horrid, but they thought they were spectacular. Why are we feeding these peoples delusions? Oh yeah, because it's frickin' hilarious!!! I think that for the next show we should run a modelling contest and have only the most hideously disfigured people advance. Or maybe have show like the bachelor, except at the very end he picks one lucky lady, and then everyone comes out and laughs at her as he dumps her and tells her that he actually thinks she is a complete idiot and that she's fat and ugly. Come on, wouldn't this be great? I think not. But depressingly, someone somewhere is probably actually thinking of doing this. Maybe we can make a show about the person making that show, and then laugh when he gets his ass kicked by the duped contestants at the end. Now that's entertainment.

What ever happened to....?

I feel like I just crawled out of a crypt. It's probably been at least 2 years since I have posted on my little acre of the internet. And the worst part is, it's not really like I've been doing a whole lot that would keep me from continuosly posting. I am just motivationally challenged. That being said, I have decided that I will blow the dust off my keyboard and begin once again to utilize that small part of my brain that is not preoccupied with sex, sports, playstation and sex to place words upon your screens. Not that anyone actually reads this crap, but hey...it's cheaper than therapy. In my absence from the typed word, I have had quite an opportunity to find out more about myself and the world that I was dropped into. I have been laid off from my job, had a son, lazed about my apartment collecting EI, got another more fulfilling job, bought a house, and found that my wife is expecting our second child. In all of this, I have not bothered to type one thing. Yep, I am one lazy mofo. But again, who reads this stuff anyways? Hopefully someone, at some time, even by accident, will stumble across this space. And maybe that someone will be intrigued enough to return. And just maybe, I may have gotten off my lazy ass long enough to add another post to this page. But since you're here now, why not read my archive. It's pretty funny if you ask me. Anyways, I'm out of here for now, maybe forever. Only time will tell.