Deep Thoughts That I Did Not Think

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.

Home is where the house is.

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out too long.

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with!

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it's about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"

If we could just get everyone to close his or her eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.