Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Sex And The Married Man

Ahh the days of early wedded bliss. Think back if you will (and if you can), to the good old days. Back when you couldn't keep your hands off each other. Back to when you would get that phone call at work asking you to come right home afterwards because you were missed. Oh yeah, we all remember what that meant ;) Back in the days that a candle burning was a signal that something special was about to occur in the bedroom. Oh yes, the wonderful, glorious first days of marriage.

But then, one day, it all came crashing down like a cheerleader pyramid at a fat camp. Oh don't get me wrong, my wife still can't keep her hands off me. She needs both of them on me to push me away when I move in for a kiss. And she still phones me at work asking me to come straight home. Usually because she needs me to look after the rugrat so she can get a few things done. And those candles, oh what a horrendous turn of events. A candle burning still means something special. It's a warning beacon that means you should wait before entering the bathroom, or else deal with the unspeakable consequences.

What exactly is it that causes this monumental shift? Is there some kind of correlation between the day you start crapping with the door open and the day she stops wanting to get intimate? Or could it be that the polish has started to wear off the old, "Well, nothing on the tube, let's go do it!" routine. Maybe it's the fact that we now strut about the house nude while getting dressed, or coming from the shower, or just because we can.

But the thing is, us men have to put up with these changes in daily routine the same as women do, (Ok, maybe not the nude strutting. But wouldn't that be great!?!) but this does nothing to curb our enthusiasm. So why is it that women decide that 6 months into the new marriage that sex has now become as desirable as scrubbing that black crap that forms on the bottom of the bathtub? And why is it that unmarried women of similar ages, races and backgrounds want sex a lot more than their married counterparts do? I mean, I'm pretty sure the same routine changes occur when you're living with someone, so why are those lucky bastards still getting it?

My team of researchers and I have looked into this and discovered the key. The marriage certificate. This piece of paper holds the key to sex or lack thereof. Women not in possession of this sacred document still feel the need to work to keep their man interested. Conversely, those women who hold this all-powerful relic realize that most men will be more inclined to gripe about their lack of nookie than pay half their monthly salaries to look for a new Twister partner. And just in case we happen to start tipping the scales in that direction, women will throw us the occasional bone (no pun intended) to make us think that our fortunes are soon to change. News flash...they aren't.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am by no means considering dissolving my marital partnership. I am a happily married, but unhappily undersexed, man. I have, with the help of professional sports, come up with the perfect idea to help those who come behind me in the hallowed footsteps down the aisle. An expiration date. That's right, set a validity period of 5 years, then put the old certificate up for renewal. Sure, not much may change in the intermediate period, but hold on to your hats when it's a contract year!!! But, alas, little is likely to happen in that regard. And even if it does, it's a little late for us grizzled veterans. At least we can still get together and bitch about it to our other married male friends. And keep hoping for that day when the legendary hormonal shift occurs, and we can be the ones to start turning them down!!! So laugh while you can, ladies, the day of reckoning will come!!!

Won't it?

Deep Thoughts That I Did Not Think

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.

Home is where the house is.

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out too long.

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with!

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it's about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"

If we could just get everyone to close his or her eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Cow's Milk, Goat's Milk & Mother's Milk

Something about the wee frickin' hours of the morning that make me want to get on here and type away. I'm not sure why, and I don't plan to waste much time thinking about it. Today is my birthday, and I'm sitting here at work. When I go home I am going to bed. When I wake up I am going to a friend's Stag and Doe. Happy flippin' B'Day!!! But seriously, I'm looking forward to going this evening. Partly because I'd like to support my friend's upcoming wedding by giving my time and money to aid their cause, mostly because I want to see my friends and co-workers get drunk and humiliate themselves. Again. Yesterday was the bride's shower, which of course I did not attend (Women only at these affairs, you know). I bring this up because word filtered back down to me that a conversation that I had with the bride the other day was a hot topic at this event. The conversation was in regards to breast milk. It seems I am a bit of an anomaly since I have not partaken in the age old ritual of breast milk tasting. I have not invited friends and family to a soiree, indulging in good food, good company and the oh-so-popular Mother's Milk Sampler. There are many methods of partaking in the Milk taste challenge. Some participants drink from bottles or multi-coloured party cups, while a select few get to tap the keg directly, so to speak. Some of the better endowed (or more flexible) mothers may enjoy a solo-suckle, while others will have to rely on steady aim. Protective eye gear is recommended for first time participants in the latter. Now, upon realization of how much of a pariah I have become in the Milk Lover's social circle, I still have no burning desire to rush out and taste this sweet nectar of life. I mean, realistically you can extract milk from a lot of things and I'm in no big hurry to sample the fruits of those labours. In closing, the argument presented to me by the leader of the Pro-Tasting Comittee was that this is something that is produced by your body, and there is nothing disgusting about tasting it. My reply to her, and to all you supporters out there, is simply this: My body produces a lot of things too, but you won't see me sampling any of my excretions.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-Most detectives can only solve a case once they have been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, killing time by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

And in other news....

I'm too tired to write anything original today, so I figured I'd post a few odd news stories that caught my eye. Enjoy:

Make Yourself At Home
Most burglars do their best to get in and out of a victim’s home quickly and quietly, but that wasn’t the case with one robber in Wisconsin.Police in Baraboo have arrested a 24-year-old man they allege is responsible for three break-ins. When the suspect got inside the homes, he took his time and brewed some coffee, whipped up some snacks and took showers.Sheriff Brian Rahn says the robber even checked his e-mail on the victims’ computers and Lori Menzel claims the burglar left his Yahoo account open on her laptop when he broke in.Imagine if she’d come home to find this robber in her favourite bra and panties set.

Man Bites Mailman
HOUMA, La. — A mail carrier got bitten — by a barking man, police said. Mark D. Plumb, 20, of Butler, Mo., was arrested and charged with simple battery after he ran barking from a house and bit the letter carrier on the shoulder, police spokesman Lt. Todd Duplantis said. Plumb said he bit the carrier as a joke, and has no history of criminal activity or mental illness, police said. Plumb was released from the Terrebonne Parish jail after posting $165 bond.

Thief Leaves Wallet Behind
COLUMBUS, Miss. — It wasn't hard for police to track down the man they say robbed a Trustmark Bank this week. The suspect apparently left his wallet and identification at the scene of the crime. Terrell Green, 26, of Jackson, was charged with Wednesday's robbery. Police Lt. Tom Thompson said a man walked into the bank wearing a white T-shirt, blue jeans and sunglasses, and handed the teller a note from his wallet demanding money. When the teller asked what she should do with the money, the man handed her a white pillowcase into which she placed seven $100 bills, 17 $50 bills and numerous smaller bills and a dye pack, Thompson said. The man took the pillowcase and left, authorities said. Police set up checkpoints to search for the suspect but had to look no further than the bank counter, where the suspect's wallet was found with his identification inside. Following information from the wallet, Thompson said investigators went to the suspect's mother's home and arrested Green as he was walking out the front door. Thompson said Green was being held without bond pending an initial court appearance.

Wichita, Ka. — A 24-year-old man reported to police that he heard gunshots, realized he had been shot in the chest, then tried to remove the bullet with the pointy end of a meat thermometer. The man was in good condition at a hospital. The man said he heard three gunshots, walked out to look around, then realized that he had been wounded in the upper chest, police Sgt. Steve Hiser said. After trying to remove the bullet himself, the man walked to Via Christi Regional Medical Center where he was listed in serious condition and was admitted for observation.

England, AFP — A 74-year-old woman who had been blind for 25 years awoke in a British hospital after suffering a heart attack and could see again. The Daily Telegraph newspaper reports she told her husband, "You've got older." Doctors were at a loss to explain how Joyce Urch, who lived in a world of shadows and near darkness since 1979, had recovered her sight after the heart attack 16 months ago. Urch, who was treated at Walgrave Hospital in Coventry, where doctors spent three days battling to save her life, called it a "miracle."

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Cease And Desist

To The Editor of The View From The Top,

We are writing this letter to kindly request your compliance. It seems that our website has been linked through yours without express consent. Although we do appreciate any additional traffic that our site and our magazine receives, we are a little distressed by the content of your site which directs them to us. It seems that you are demeaning our positions as male medical professionals through your posts. As such, we are not looking for the type of referral that you may be giving guests of your site. We are kindly requesting that you remove the link to our magazine from your website. We would also like to say that we are very disappointed in the attitude that people such as yourself have towards men in the nursing profession. We are very proud of who we are and what we do. I hope in the future you will reconsider your position on this matter.

Thank you,

Jerry R Lucas, RN
Publisher of Male Nurse Magazine


Dear Jerry R Lucas, Male Nurse

I apologize for any inconveniences that I may have caused to you at I understand that men in your chosen profession probably get made fun of quite a bit, and that my posts may encourage my readers to continue (or start if they aren't already involved) in that behaviour. I must admit, however, that I am unsure how the three people who read my blog affect you over at, but I will comply with your wishes. That being said, I will imediately remove the link to from my previous post. I will also ensure that no further links to appear in any of my future posts as well. I trust that if you, or anybody else at, have any problems in the future with my content you will not hesitate to let me know. I will also be sure to contact you at should I have any issues.


Publisher of The View From The Top

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Cards & Coconuts

It started with a rousing game of Wizard (no, this is not a new version of Dungeons and Dragons. This is actually a card game, albeit one that requires no skill whatsoever), it carried through deep conversations about electro hair removal, and it culminated in an impromtu guitar jam session. No, this was not a really pathetic high school party (or, if you're a really pathetic person, a completely kick-ass high school party). This was actually an evening at work. I'm sitting here at 3 in the morning with my friends and co-workers Shane, Kelly & Leigh. I'm sleep deprived, a little under the weather, and a bit disappointed after learning that another of my co-workers has apparently bumped ahead of me in the all important "Who We Like Better" list on my adopted platoon. Nevertheless, this is a place of business, and we can't allow such minor issues to affect our job. I mean, there are important things to be done tonight, as we have now moved into the Open Mic portion of the jam. Right about now, some of you doubters in the crowd are labeling me a liar. A damn hot liar. Alas, I am telling the truth. This is what is unfolding around me at work. A musical sidenote to the cards and conversations that have taken place throughout the shift. Before you get all uptight, thinking that my work is nothing but fun and games, let me set some things straight. Work environments, for most, are zones of constant learning. Here it is no different. For example, tonight we learned that women don't have to remove their panties to get a Brazilian wax, and that most respectable aestheticians refuse to do a male Brazilian, or what I have dubbed "The Amazon" (clear cut the rainforest, leaving nothing but the trunk and the coconuts). I guarantee that you don't get this kind of on the job education as, say, a male nurse. By the way, before I go, I want to convey my deepest apologies to the male nursing community. I have mocked them in the past and present (and most likely the future), but recently found that they are not an anomaly on the medical world, but instead a growing population. I vow to take these professional pioneers more seriously in the future.
For more information on this noble and completely respectable profession, please check out the Male Nurse Magazine website at:

*link removed by request*

Okay, I couldn't keep a straight face typing that last bit. And yes, that is a real magazine.