Sex And The Married Man

Ahh the days of early wedded bliss. Think back if you will (and if you can), to the good old days. Back when you couldn't keep your hands off each other. Back to when you would get that phone call at work asking you to come right home afterwards because you were missed. Oh yeah, we all remember what that meant ;) Back in the days that a candle burning was a signal that something special was about to occur in the bedroom. Oh yes, the wonderful, glorious first days of marriage.

But then, one day, it all came crashing down like a cheerleader pyramid at a fat camp. Oh don't get me wrong, my wife still can't keep her hands off me. She needs both of them on me to push me away when I move in for a kiss. And she still phones me at work asking me to come straight home. Usually because she needs me to look after the rugrat so she can get a few things done. And those candles, oh what a horrendous turn of events. A candle burning still means something special. It's a warning beacon that means you should wait before entering the bathroom, or else deal with the unspeakable consequences.

What exactly is it that causes this monumental shift? Is there some kind of correlation between the day you start crapping with the door open and the day she stops wanting to get intimate? Or could it be that the polish has started to wear off the old, "Well, nothing on the tube, let's go do it!" routine. Maybe it's the fact that we now strut about the house nude while getting dressed, or coming from the shower, or just because we can.

But the thing is, us men have to put up with these changes in daily routine the same as women do, (Ok, maybe not the nude strutting. But wouldn't that be great!?!) but this does nothing to curb our enthusiasm. So why is it that women decide that 6 months into the new marriage that sex has now become as desirable as scrubbing that black crap that forms on the bottom of the bathtub? And why is it that unmarried women of similar ages, races and backgrounds want sex a lot more than their married counterparts do? I mean, I'm pretty sure the same routine changes occur when you're living with someone, so why are those lucky bastards still getting it?

My team of researchers and I have looked into this and discovered the key. The marriage certificate. This piece of paper holds the key to sex or lack thereof. Women not in possession of this sacred document still feel the need to work to keep their man interested. Conversely, those women who hold this all-powerful relic realize that most men will be more inclined to gripe about their lack of nookie than pay half their monthly salaries to look for a new Twister partner. And just in case we happen to start tipping the scales in that direction, women will throw us the occasional bone (no pun intended) to make us think that our fortunes are soon to change. News flash...they aren't.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am by no means considering dissolving my marital partnership. I am a happily married, but unhappily undersexed, man. I have, with the help of professional sports, come up with the perfect idea to help those who come behind me in the hallowed footsteps down the aisle. An expiration date. That's right, set a validity period of 5 years, then put the old certificate up for renewal. Sure, not much may change in the intermediate period, but hold on to your hats when it's a contract year!!! But, alas, little is likely to happen in that regard. And even if it does, it's a little late for us grizzled veterans. At least we can still get together and bitch about it to our other married male friends. And keep hoping for that day when the legendary hormonal shift occurs, and we can be the ones to start turning them down!!! So laugh while you can, ladies, the day of reckoning will come!!!

Won't it?

Deep Thoughts That I Did Not Think

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.

Home is where the house is.

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out too long.

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with!

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it's about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"

If we could just get everyone to close his or her eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.