The Wonderful World of Wal-Mart

I went shopping the other day and swung by the Wal-Mart for a few items. A few items. This is a term that no longer exists when you step through those doors. You walk in to buy some Q-tips and walk out with a haircut, new tires, a happy meal and $800 worth of crap. Odds are you don't even get the Q-tips.
And what's the deal with that greeter? You know, that guy who stands by the front door saying "Hello, you need a buggy?" But not to everyone, of course. He needs to make sure that he is really selective about who he greets. A high profile guy like that can't just talk to anyone, you know. I have never once been greeted. I've seen it done to others before, but never to myself. Makes a guy feel good. I'm actually insulted to think that I am being looked down on by the Wal-Mart greeter. Here's this guy looking like he couldn't even afford to shop there if he didn't work there, who has no education to speak of, who's main qualification for the job is the ability to breathe, and he's shunning me!!! Very special indeed.
But that doesn't stop me. I'll show them by shopping there every weekend. That'll learn 'em who's boss. Besides, who else will take back all my useless junk? I mean really? I return stuff I bought a year ago and they still take it. Hell, I return stuff I never even bought there. I walk in with an armload of stuff that I picked up at Zellers ten years ago, and sure enough they'll take it back.
And when did Wal-Mart become the place to beat your kids? Every time I go in, there's at least one kid getting his ass whupped in there. Kids must be terrified of that place. I think that's where you take them when they screw up. "Get in the truck, we're going to Wal-Mart".
But fear not. I have found an answer to the evil Wal-Mart corporation. I want to open a store right next to it called “Mall-Mart”. We will sell all the same items, but at a slightly lower price. We will open 15 minutes later than them just to allow time for my employees to go in and check all their prices so we can sell it for 2 cents cheaper. People will come. We will provide a special “beating room” so people can go about punishing their kids in a safe a private environment as opposed to in the middle of the Rubbermaid aisle. There will still be a McDonalds, but the difference will be that the mandatory park bench with the plastic Ronald McDonald sitting there will have a large sign hanging above it that says “Please DO stand on Ronald” And the best part of it all is that anything we don’t sell we can return to Wal-Mart and get all of our money back.

Hiring soon.